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  • bystresscookie

As things draw to a close

Yes, last week, I disappeared.  Consumed by creation, for 2 weeks I spent every spare conscious moment working on a recording project.

I did allow myself reasonable time to sleep, for the most part.  At least, I did not deprive myself until the last 40 hours or so.  From before 5 am Thursday until Friday at about 9:30 pm, I had 2 roughly 20 min naps.  The results were impressive.  From selecting and editing the pieces to having 20 copies of a completely self produced, 26-track spoken word CD in 2 weeks is an accomplishment.  Even I have to admit that.

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And, one would think that I could revel in that.  I certainly know that I want to.  I also knew at the start that big highs come with big lows.  Perhaps I over anticipated my crash.  Well, the current in the trough of this wave has been stronger than I anticipated.  I am having one hell of a time fighting it.

So, here I am.  If there is nothing else I can do right now, I can maintain my commitments.  I had a reasonable rationalization for abandoning this practice last week.  Today, I have none.  Today, I sit here, writing drivel about my scared, lonely little girl not knowing how to deal with small success… waiting for the shoe to drop…

The truth is, the work I put in deserves to be recognized.  And, however worthy that work is, I feel it is unlikely to reap much value beyond my own self-satisfaction.  Let alone monetary value sufficient to cover the costs of production or remunerate me for my time and effort.  Trying to figure out ways to do that is what I should be doing.  Yet, all I can seem to do is lament the “fact” that it is not going to sustain me.

And, there is the shoe.  It is always my own.  Sure, I did a lot of hard work creating something.  But, what is the point if it only results in me losing the resources to continue creating?  The resources to merely sustain myself?  At the end of the day, it all becomes about my backward ego.  Awareness of how bloody self-absorbed and self-defeating I become certainly doesn’t help.  The emotions swell and roll out like tsunamis.  Yeah, that really is becoming cliche, isn’t it?  The most relevant illustrations always do.  Humans are thick.  Repetition is necessary.

I guess all I can do is keep treading water until I can escape this undertow.  I am here, writing words.  Inelegant, self-indulgent whining.  But, words nonetheless.  They have pulled me from deeper waters.  I just have to trust that the universe knows what it is doing.  The more I try to figure it out, the more I mess things up.  These past two weeks, I got out of my head and let the energy flow.  It felt right and was productive.  I feel dragged down because I stopped.  I have to be patient with myself.  Yet, at the same time push.

Never a dull moment.  🙃

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