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Came by it honestly enough

Funny how that goes. I lament being alone… being used up and left behind. But, the truth is, I abandoned myself 30 years ago. And, as a result, I checked out on everyone else in my life. I could ramble on about my trauma. My “personality disorder”. My alcoholism. The gross errors I made in career and relationship choices in the attempts to “build a life” despite it all that have brought me, physically, emotionally and spiritually to ruin… The simple fact is, I never had a chance. As much as I couldn’t see what I was doing, I allowed it all.  It is no surprise that I sit here, alone, in regret. I doesn’t matter that I thought I was protecting those I love from my battle. I took away their choice to stand with me. It doesn’t matter that I was trying to hang on for dear life. I chose to shut down rather than fight. I lost too many of the most important years and relationships of my life hiding in a lie.   I have never wanted to be part of this world. The so-called “real word”. The western corporate consumer monster that we have created. The destruction of the true self in the name of “individual freedoms”. The deterioration of intelligence through automation and information overload… I could go on and on… still too much of a coward… We have done nothing but work contrary to our purposes.   I have done nothing but work contrary to my purpose. A creature of my environment… And, I have no idea what to do… but suffer the consequences.

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