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Effort ≠ Earnings

I think my greatest struggle in this life is with the way we, our efforts and contributions, are valued… or not.  If I am going to be completely honest, the real reason why I did not pursue a career in the arts from the beginning is because I was made well aware the things I do that, I believe, are of real value are not remunerated in a profit driven meritocracy.  They cannot be monetized.  And, in truth, they should not.  So, to live as the (apparently inspiring) storyteller that I am, is to assume a posture of poverty.

I was also conditioned to see myself as a burden not a blessing as the deeper, emotional nature of what I offer has been increasingly devalued in the western world over the course of my lifetime.  By dedicating myself to sharing my true value with my society, I become a financial burden.  Ultimately devalued.

Having spent my life believing my purpose was to earn my keep, I pursued material stability. I have a deep, truly moral, aversion to the accumulation of wealth.  Which is what makes my inability to dispose of things quite a perplexing problem.  In my attempts to assimilate to a way of life imposed, not chosen or nurtured, I sought sources of comfort and developed strategies to to cope that were, ultimately, self-destructive.  At 46 years old, after a lifetime of tying to make myself fit, my life is everything I never wanted it to be.  The last three months of 2018 gave me hope that I could find a way to change that.  However, reality crept in over the holidays.  And I am, once again, faced with the choice: live my truth or survive.

Yet, I know now that isn’t the choice at all.  What I need is to continue to shift my perspective.  I am hanging on to a life I didn’t want.  I need to let go.  I need to believe that I can make a way to live my truth and survive.  If I can’t do that, no one else can.


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