It was 5:40 am when my eyes opened. I got up immediately, went to the bathroom and tried to crawl back into bed. Then, in an almost continuous, fluid motion I was back out again. Here’s hoping that my winter is over. That I will rise from this state of willful hibernation. That I will ride out on another wave of productivity.
Being both an extreme manifestation of the human condition and one who is hyper-aware of that fact creates a mental minefield. We are all beings in conflict with our natures. I merely experience it at an uncommon level of consciousness and, therefore, intensity. It is funny that my “disorder” is viewed as an emotional one. In truth, my emotional reactivity is caused in large part by the internal conflicts I experience in my over analytical, rational mind. There are many factors, internal and external, that conflict. Needs and truths that must coexist that I cannot reconcile with, despite constant efforts to adjust and compromise. And, when the most logical remedy is to cease altogether, it is my emotional self that preserves me. For, no matter how destructive I may perceive myself to be, there is nothing I could do that would be more damaging or defeating.
It is hard when the shadow looms. All that grey that makes it seem like I think in black and white. I see all of the varying shades and want to provide a scale. But, the human mind needs to block it out. To provide points of reference along the spectrum. To draw a solid line between smoke and stone grey, one must provide a balance of black and white for each. And, then, there is colour…
But, today is a grey one. And, the shadow I anticipated has been muted by overcast skies. Instinct drives me forward. Toward what, I am still not entirely sure.