Reflection can be complicated when the pool that you gaze into is continuously undulated by beads of sweat that fall from your brow as you perform the acts you are trying to observe.
Is there a difference between being overly self-conscious and being narcissistic? Oddly enough, it seems the latter is the preferred side to err on in our culture. Where am I going with all of this?
I have found myself with a number of approaches to today’s exposition. Even considered making two or three separate entries. Alas, time presses. And, in truth, this stream of consciousness is more white water rapids at the moment. It swells and sprays and surges as it pushes on in one general direction.
With my YouTube recommended list providing not-so-random background noise, I have sat here, transferring files. Waiting for the deluge in my head to subside, I heard the words “GOD has a plan”.
Just because I have seen, in my lifetime, that word become something quite reviled, I feel the need to qualify what I mean by GOD. First and foremost, I will never be arrogant enough to say that I really have any idea at all of what GOD is. Just like I can never, directly, look at my entire body, I cannot conceive of GOD as a separate being. One of the most relevant bible passages for me is Isaiah 46:16 “I have carved you an the palm of my hand”. The best form for the word I have found is that of an acronym. One for good, orderly direction.
Secondly, I am not a religious person. If I had to call my belief system anything, it would be something like secular spiritualism or spiritual humanism… I really hate labelling these things. It is merely another way we dissect ourselves. Another truth I believe in deeply comes from Physics: “Energy is never created nor destroyed. It simply changes forms”. We are all part of that. I, evidently, have a Judeo-Christian frame of reference. One that I do find great truths in, when it’s sources are viewed objectively and the messages are appropriately adjusted to context. I am not, however, here to defend or critique the merits of Christianity. That is a book to write in itself.
That said, I didn’t exactly tune-in right away. My brain was still jumping between my file transfers, my inspired day yesterday and the “Mr. Bean episode” that the second hour of my waking became. So, I continued to copy my latest photos from my phone, peeking at the odd one to try to nudge me in a direction here. A thank you card I made yesterday popped into my view.
The next thing I heard was “Stop thinking about things and just do…”
And, I thought to myself “When I stop trying to figure out what to do and just let whatever comes out come out, I usually have pretty good results.” Yesterday, was a day full of such evidence. I drew the above in a hurry. It was an expression I had intended to make for some time and I was uncertain if I would have another opportunity to convey it. Amazingly, my internal critic stayed silent. A “thoughtful” message was given and received with joy and gratitude. After which, I spontaneously spent a giddy evening with two like souls. Rather than trying to suppress my relentless urge to orate, I allowed the performer in me to provide entertainment to an attentive audience. Giving a much needed lightness to all, myself included.
The punchline? Whether there is some set course that I am rolling along or my path is navigated by actions and interactions with the world around me, I alone do not determine the outcome. And, I find the less I try, the more it becomes what I truly want. So, too, do I.
Is that salvation? Suspending disbelief? Ceasing resistance? Letting the light shine through? Having faith?