I just played through Blackbird, by the Beatles, 3 times in a row. Twice singing. And, yes, tripping a lot along the way.
AND, all I could do after was tell myself I sucked. That I am a hack. That I have no discipline…
I spent over a year learning that song. And, I know that even being able to trip through it is a feat for many guitarists (Something I will never claim to be. I accompany myself out of necessity.) Yet, I can actually, when in practice, do quite a good job of it. Even posted a recording on soundcloud! (That was a feat for me.)
Why is it so bloody difficult for me to acknowledge this. It literally made me cry when I stopped “the tape” and started reminding myself of the effort and talent it took to learn the song in the first place. I want to feel worthy and I just dont. I spin off, reflecting on decades of wasted talent. Lamenting how I have squandered my gifts. How it is, physically, becoming harder and harder to perform. Even as I realize that all of this time wasted on self- flagellation is only perpetuating the problem. And, then, I berate myself for that.
I need to refocus my energy on action. Practice. I can do it. I have proven it. Why don’t I believe?
Ack.
If no other good comes of this, I hope sharing my experience at least brings comfort to someone who shares this struggle.
