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Reflecting On Independent Success

You want to know what is fun?

Waking up in the morning with streams of thought that lead you to believe you are a brilliant manifestation of CREATION in one moment; and, certain you are a complete and utter waste of space in the next.

I am grateful that I have been on this ride so long now that I am much better at finding safe jumping off points.

Has anyone ever wondered why every “hero” has a sidekick? And, pretty much every “great man” has had a strong, supportive woman by his side? Even Einstein publicly recognized the importance of his wife to his work.

Why did men “dominate” as we “civilized” ourselves? Not because women weren’t, originally, viewed as vital parts of the community. (I could argue they were the force behind becoming “civilized” in the first place.) Because, as we are CREATED to work together, men naturally reached out to the greater, external world and women shaped and nurtured the intimate environment. Both roles are so necessary.

“Strong women” who are/were “great thinkers”, aren’t/haven’t been lost because they aren’t/weren’t respected – awed even – by their male peers. It is because they do/have not receive/d the same level of support as their male counterparts. Even in non-traditional scenarios. A truly strong, brilliant woman (oft being told I am one myself, I will attest) is frequently respected and admired (sometimes intimidated) by her male counterparts. This, however, oddly complicates intimacy. Worse, a “strong woman” struggles to develop nurturing relationships with other women. It is women – at varying levels, envious and threatened (rarely, inspired) – that truly end up being what holds them back.  Many “strong, independent women” never develop a close, personal network and are left without the core support, from any gender, necessary to achieve “success”. Everyone views them as capable and not needing support. So, when they do seek it, it is viewed as a selfish choice rather than a profound need.

THIS IS SO PAINFUL. It is hard enough for someone who “should be stronger” to even ask for help. Well meaning folks who dismiss this need by reminding us we are “strong” are actually making us feel weaker. And, the self-flagellation resumes.

What do you see when you look in a mirror? The reverse of yourself. And, every flaw. No?

Great minds need to be comforted and cared for. Not because the are “incapable” of self-care. But because there are other, “more pressing” things to attend to. Honestly, I can spend 16 hours in creative mode and not stop to eat. No doubt, Einstein’s success is largely due to regular meals and general care provided for him by his loving and supportive wife… The person who would sit and listen to him work through problems… Not, caring about understanding… Knowing how much he needed her to be there… Enraptured by the beauty of his brilliance.

One thing that really frustrates me is that almost everyone who tells me that “not everyone needs a partner” and “I should be ‘proud’ of my (truly inflicted) independence”, is either in or pursuing a partnership. Most of them have no clue what it actually means to stand alone.

The lead means nothing without supporting roles.

THAT is what we threw out in the 20th century when we framed all of our complements as conflicts and pitted ourselves against one another as “self-defined, independent individuals”. We truly subordinated the feminine aspect and altogether vilified natural gender roles in the name of what? We are more anxious, alienated and antagonized than ever.

I wish I could have been a nurturer. I had to be a provider.

The Alpha needs the Beta more than the other way around as far as I can see. Yet, it is the Beta that we still view as weak… For all of our learning; all of our supposed understanding of ourselves, we really don’t have a clue.

We all need each other, friends. We all need to be nurtured. We all need to reassured. So many of us get lost because we are forced to deny the interconnectedness we cannot escape.

A lead is nothing without a story. Or, supporting roles. One could argue that the latter are the true heroes.

It is all in how WE tell the tale.


Note: References to “women” and “men” really can encompass anyone who identifies as such. References to males are specifically to those who are both biologically born and identify as such. There are no references to females. This was not intentional. It does bring me to the irony that fewer and fewer people seem to actually want to be truly female in this Feminist world. One of, if not THE, greatest misnomers ever.

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