Am I on fire? Purging? “Cath-art-ing” my way to myself?
Yesterday, I stopped stopping and let all of my hot air lift me like a great balloon toward my aspirations. I finally wrote a synopsis for my one-human musical. Working title: “A Series of Dissociative Episodes: How to get lost and find yourself”. The subtitle is tenuous. I don’t really want to say “How I got lost and found myself.” However, it is a better title. It is an individual’s story. As much as the content is my story, it is only an impression. It is a story. One, I am certain is, unfortunately, not unique.
I have always feared that the characters I portray will reflect poorly on other, real people. My work is not fact. It is feeling. It is perception. It is the understanding (or, misunderstanding) of experiences. And, it is all attempts to make sense of the duality that is the human condition.
For decades, I have actually viewed myself in three parts. A trinity is what we each get. Our left and right brains supporting opposite sides and coming to consciousness in our prefrontal cortex. We are physical, intellectual and emotional beings. In Dialectical Behavioural Therapy, they call these aspects “The Rational Mind; the Emotional Mind; and, the Wise Mind”. I used to call them my “little girl”; my “big, angry bitch”; and, my “damage control coordinator”. In recent years, the first two have been relabelled my “emotional creator” and my “wilful protector”. Slowly shifting that negative self perception. One of the greatest insights I have been reminded of in this, latest, period of identity crisis and definition is to look for the positive intent in every experience. What benefit might have been intended? What value can be found?
If we take the time to consider what good, even if it was contrary to our own, can be mined, there will be some. Even if it is mere awareness of what is not.
Like the sentiment on this burning shirt. Intended as a playful acknowledgement of human flaws. Manifested in a lifetime of unhealthy relationship patterns. A symbolic purging by fire. The “trigger” for my show.
P.S. I also finalized my Patreon page to submit for review. No doubt I will let you all know when it is launched.
May you always find smiles, especially in the darkest corners!