Contemplating the celebratory family gathering I will be attending this afternoon, panic hit me from out of nowhere. It dawned on me – not for the first time – in a way that it never has before just how deeply I rely on their opinions of me. Or, rather, my perception of the things they express.
Oh, the road to hell is paved with good intentions. This I know better than anyone. The truth is, if there is a worst case scenario, I have contemplated the consequences far past the relevant risks. Not simply because I was born a worry wart. Also, because every time I get anywhere near having some faith in myself and taking a risk, I make the mistake of seeking that faith from my siblings. ALL of whom preface any support with the “realities” associated. Reinforcing that earning my keep is paramount. Feeding my fear of being a burden. Offering concern rather than validation. It is no wonder I have spent my life avoiding financial risk at the cost of my very self.
There are going to be many people I have not had the courage to honestly discuss my hopes with there today. Many more I have not seen in some time. I have spent my entire life fearful. Not as much that my gifts would rejected as I have feared the would not be gifts at all. They would be, at best, causes of concern. Worst, actually harmful to the people I care about most. And, the truth is, I know they all worry. They all care. They just are who they are.
In the interest of my sanity, I am doing everything to remind myself that I actually do have this. I am an intelligent, talented individual who was blessed with many gifts that are pointless if not shared. Certainly, I have a lot of ground to cover in a short period of time to make the vocational transition. And, I am well aware of the challenges ahead. I also now know that there is more support and more opportunities for me to thrive on my true value than I ever could have imagined. All it takes is doing. That is the key to successful communication with these folk. Shut the doubt down with doing. Showing them I am not blowing smoke.
So, I just reviewed the Fringe Festival site. Application instructions will be posted Tuesday. I am going to enter the lottery. I have a few things to figure out before I do. And, today may present the opportunity to do some networking. I’ll be going in with a firmer, although not concrete, vision of my show (which, I will say, is developing nicely in the creative wing of my brain). As well, a gift of my own creation. Both made out of love and to illustrate that I actually can generate things of value.